The lady who I was taking care of .....

The lady who I was taking care of at night passed away on March 4th around 4pm in the Hawaiian time.

I cried so hard that I thought I would not be able to function by myself.

When I arrived her place, she was cold but looked like that she was sleeping.

Her face was very peaceful.


Life is unexpected.

After she died, time moves countinously. However, my time could not keep up to the time. My time moves slowly.

I was going to talk with her, feed her, and take care of her all night.

A big change gave me deep regret of what I could not do for her, extreme sadness that I won't talk with and see her (figure), and confusion of what happened.

I could not stop crying. My time stopped. I could not eat.

My tears expressed my feeling, and at the same time, my whole body expressed my deep sadness.

I am sure that she will angrily say "Stop crying. Eat."

I have to be strong. She was strong. She had a strong spirit.

She gave me many colors in my life.

The color of my minds, body, and spirits were changing without a stable color.

I was with her only 104 days.

What color(s) did I give her?

(the lady with one of her caregivers)

She gave and left me many lessons and gifts.

I am very happy to know her, her caregivers (they are all nice!), her friends, her family and relatives.

They have supported me a lot. My friends also really support me.

Thanks to all!

Sometimes, I felt that I hated her; however, I really love her.

I still could not believe what happened and accept her death.

She is still inside of me with raw memories. It is hard to digest the memories of my 104 days at the bayshore tower.

I keep cleaning and organizing her things to hope that she will visit here.

I hope I can see her once a more to move on my life.