My Change

I want to dedicate to the lady who I am taking care of.

She and I had a small conflict.

I was so tired and sleepy to be patient and kind to the lady during night time.

I have not slept enough for several nights becasue of her irregular sleeping pattern.

I expected to wake up and help her for bathroom for 3-4 times per night.

However, my situation was unexpected.

She belongs to the hospice program that is for people who gradually progress to die. The program offers them medical support to let them die peacefully.

My environment needs a lot of responsibilites and work for her sickness.

I did not realize how hard it was!

Every time she woke up or called me, and I started to feel depressed and unhappy after spending time with er for 2 months.

She sometimes confused among the reality, dreams, and imaginations.
It is hard to make her calm down and let her sleep again.

She sometimes asks me things during mid night, such as making something to eat.

I did not have my own time.
I sleep next to her so I do not have my own space to be alone.

I did not feel confident that I could take care of other people since I have been ignoring myself.

I was stressed out.

She expects me to smile and talk softly and nicely no matter what time it is (The middle of night won't matter for her).

When I show her my sleepy face and speak loudly, due to her hearing problem, she does not like it.

She thought I was mad at her.....or unhappy that made her feel hesitated to ask for my help at night.

She speaks in her own language (Korean, she is originally from Korea) at night time. Of course, I cannot understand what she says. If I ask her to speak in English or Japanese (she can speak both), she gets mad. She thinks I am Korean and cannot accept that I am Japanese.

Therefore, it was hard to communicate with her, sometimes.

I needed my own peaceful time....

She thinks that I am no longer nice to her at night.

For her, my character changes at night, but for me, I was just sleepy and cannot control myself during midnight.

One of her caregivers said to me that I should say "sorry", and then it would be over.

I could not say the word easily because it has big meanings for me. If I say it, I have to keep smile and be nice and patient to her all night even though I cannot sleep or do something I want to....

I did not have confident to do all commitments for her...

I could leave here and find a new place. It was too much for me to manage this life with my college study and my part-time work.

However, I think about her and her family.

All her family members are nice, and I can feel that they need a caregiver for night.

She gives me many hard lessons but accepts me as one of her family member, sometimes depends on her mood (she told me that she felt I was her daughter).

Finally, I could say "I am sorry" to her.
I shaked her hand for awhile. I have not touched her hands for long time.

She was true that I have been changed in a cool way.
I was not nice to her.

I accept that she cannot help or control herself. She may be preparing herself for the next journey....
She lives in moment as she said.

If she died now, I would have feel so bad not to make her happy.
I want her to feel happy when she dies.....(it will happen to all of us, of course.)
I want to give her happy time, and that is what I am here for.

I remember the time when I was hospitalized.
I remember my friends who were so nice to me. It is funny that I can still remember their smiles and gental faces and tones of their voices. They filled my heart. I felt so comfortable.

I want to give her my smiles and gental faces like they did for me.

I will do my best not to regret my poor attitude and actions to her.
I do not want to regret myself not to behave well to her!

I am sorry to her!!!!
.
I change myself from today.....